Now, im preparing myself for my alternative papers for AIC n Mths which i cldnt attend due to on MC as i was really not feeling well.
My AIC ppr is at 830am n the mths ppr is at 2pm. The venue is quite interesting la...
The classroom is side by side... S.474 for AIC n S.475 for mths.
Well, to tell u the truth, ive been unable to concentrate on things as of early start of Aug. Been havin this mental n emotional instability with myself. My mind wanders off and i cant keep my mind on sumting more than 5mins. Then, ill lose all concentrations n jus blank out.
At home, its a mess. I feel more suffocated and worse at home. Y cant they jus make me feel calm n at peace at home...? Dun they understand dun disturb. Sumtimes they dun directly disturb me but the things thats happening at home is such a disturbance to my mood and also concentration.
I jus wish they would notice things like obviously but since i can remember, ive been taking care of myself n being more independent abt my own welfare than they can ever provide me.
The only thing they provide me is that of shelter, and food on the table. Mayb some finances here n ther but the rest is totally up to me ba.
Ive been noticing that there are questions popping out in my head every so often...
'Do they care abt me? Y dun they ask abt my welfare like how was sch?', Since my childhood, they never did notice it that much... but the worse was that they nvr had the initiative to ask... I mean hu doesnt ask their kids abt their day? i mean its only natural to ask every so here n ther rite?
They would only notice sumting happened in sch or with my frens wen i show a bad attitude with a black face... But that was soo long ago wen i was still immature. Now, its useless to show my true emotions in frnt of people. They jus get more annoying asking all the qns that they should know n can find out themselves if they think abit ba.
I rarely show any emotions, expressions of wat i truely feel. Even at home alone, or locking myself in room(my door lock is spoilt) i cant even be my true self. Recently, i cant find any place nowadays to let my trueself loose n relaz.
Mayb coz of these pathetic concepts that i developed as i matured have pressurised and stressed myself to the present n current state of my instability...
Yet, there is only one person i can at least b 75% of my trueself with...
Mark, my god-bro since sec sch.
We still do keep in touch. Thankfully ba
Meeting outside, playin pool, eating lunch/dinner, movies... Basically jus hanging out ba.
Im very thankful for his presence really from the bottome of my heart.
If not for him, mayb i would hav given up hope on myself. n who wld noe wat ill b doin now... Mayb a dropout by now...
I hope aftr these pprs, somehow praying that i can clear them wifout a prob ba. I wana use the time left bfr the sem strts again to change myself, remake n remodel it to something that i can handle wifout putting pressure n stress upon myself where instability occurs. All these so that i can cope somehow with the ever continuing pressure n stress to be present wen sch strts once again as my frens(ppl i close to in sch) are no longer arnd as they hav IAP(industrial attachment programme). Meaning the ppl i hav to interact nex sem are majority of them are quite unknown to me as ive been a loner ba... Only to interact closest to me. Im approachable, yes, however im no those ppl hu make actual frens tt easy.
Lets leave this topic til a later time ba.
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Anywayz, todae is the strt of the fasting mth ba.
Of course, broke fast at abt 7pm jus now ba... Long time oredi over but imagine abt more than half a day wifout water nor food.
In my opinion, normal people wont be able to last that long. For us, its becoz we hav sumting to drive ourselves to do tis. Religion, beliefs are powerful tings to drive a person u noe...
Well, wat i wana benefit frm tis particular fasting mth is to that of being able to loose some weight. Im jus getting fatter and lazier this past few mths.. wanted to strt exercising but since its fasting mth, kinda too late to do that rite? Yeah, i noe i can do it in the evening aftr i break fast n a rest time... but most of the days, ill b occupied by wrk. I need to strt saving u noe... I mean, once the hols are over, its back to high maintenance costs.
Tis particular mth is less taxing since ill oni be eating 2 meals a day n most of the time its at home... N i dun hav animore cash to splurge soo its kinda a gd thing but then, i find it to be unbecoming of a veri boring mth which it will definitely b...
At least Mark will definitely asks me out to hang out n i definitely wana go as well.
Only prob is finaces... Well, that i dun mind lah... can surely scrape thru sumhow hopefully ba.
But the number of days available is super low... such as 2 days per wk on average that ill b free... make it 1.5days on average as one day would definitely used to slp off the overnite wrk...
Haiz... things will be busy for me tis mth... make it definitely make me busy... Jus hoping tis mth will b over n thru with as fast as todae wher time realli was moving too fast for comfort...
Thats all frm me... Take care...
Zync, & Lufias
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